True Stories for 13 November 2014

Heard a grade school age girl run out of the apartment downstairs while yelling “Goddammit!”

Later went to Aldi and saw a guy buting six gant tubs of margarine and a loaf of white bread.

Doucheslap! Todd Kincannon

Doucheslap - Todd Kincannon

No Breadsticks, No Peace

The Olive Garden recently unveiled a plan to shove more carbs and calories into America’s face hole. Dubbing it the “Never Ending Pasta Pass“, it was a premium that let the holder eat all the pasta they could eat anytime for seven weeks – all for a mere $100. Perhaps learning a lesson from Red Lobster’s debacle with all-you-can-eat specials, they limited the special to 1000 passes. Pasta is cheap. A thousand ‘Murrikins couldn’t possibly eat enough in seven weeks to impact the OG’s profits, right?

Well if you think that, pardner, you don’t know shit form shinola. Turns out this just sort of challenge Duhmerica is itching to sink its teeth into, pardon the pun.

The sort of people who want to eat as much as possible in the worst faux-Italian chain this side of the Spaghetti Tub are all about quantity. The thousand golden ticket holders tore into OG’s stock like dogs at an anus licking party.

Olive Garden was forced to convene an emergency meeting that involved 294 motherfucking Powerpoint slides detailing ways to cut costs in the wake of Pastageddon. Top items on the list? Ease up the fucking breadsticks, fer crissakes. And do we have to salt he water we cook the pasta in? It’s not like our customers will notice a decline in quality. Salt doesn’t grow on trees, you know. (We think.)

Underestimating Duhmerica’s capacity for overindulgence may be foolish. But making your employees sit through a 294 slide presentation? That’s just inhumane.

Wrecking Balls to the Wall

I know I’m super late to the party with this one. I try to avoid stupid ass pop music. But when I heard Miley Cyrus had a song called “wrecking Ball”, I instantly thought of the classic 80′s metal song by Accept, “Balls to the Wall”.

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